What Kind of Partner Are You? How to Divide Labor in a Modern Relationship
Once you find the right person, you will experience a lifetime of relationship bliss, right? The societal expectation that romantic relationships should stay in a honeymoon phase is far-fetched. If successful relationships have taught us anything, it’s that only when you find that right person does the real work begin.
Along with bliss, we measure the success of relationships in terms of length. “How long have you been together?” It’s often the first question asked about a relationship.
But we’re using the wrong metrics here. Instead of measuring relationships by length, let’s measure them in terms of the sturdiness of your partnership. That’s how you know if the work is paying off.
Then vs. Now
Like most things, the expectations of relationships have evolved over time. Once upon a time, they were all about survival. A means to acquire skills, goods, and children, marriage was a practical and strategic decision. But as time went on, the idea of love and emotional connection became a top priority when looking for a partner. By the 1950s, most Western relationships claimed to put love first. But the heterosexual partnerships and gender norms of the generation before you are far different than what is considered acceptable today. The 50s housewife, characterized as a woman who was responsible for housework and child-rearing, was bound to the expectation that a woman’s purpose was to stay in the home. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the proportion of women ages 25 to 64 in the labor force with a college degree more than quadrupled between 1970 and 2020. With far more women in the workforce, the stereotypical relationships from decades ago no longer explicitly stand. But today, they’re still impacting life in more ways than you may realize. Many women still run the household, just now on top of full time professional jobs, as well. According to a 2023 report, in heterosexual dual-income marriages where the wife earns less than, equal to, or more than their husband, the wife takes on the majority of household and caregiving responsibilities. It’s no wonder that the “tradwife” trend, a social media movement highlighting women reverting to traditional gender roles, seems to have come full circle. Instead of comparing your relationship dynamic to what you see online, prioritize and tailor roles and responsibilities based on what works best with your partner.
The Mental Load
A manageable division of labor is key to forming and sustaining a healthy relationship. In the past, the division was clear: men earn money outside of the home, and women manage life inside the home. The 50/50 split of work used to be clear-cut. The lines are now blurred, with no clear gender split to guide expectations related to key responsibilities. Carrying the mental load — or the cognitive toll unpaid work takes on a person like remembering picture day at your kids’ school or to call the plumber to fix the sink — is one way to know how well you are dividing this labor. Some research has found that high cognitive load is connected to increased anxiety and stress, as well as reduced capacity to make long-term decisions and exercise willpower. When one partner is carrying a heavier mental load, they can develop feelings of resentment. The most difficult aspect of this concept is that these responsibilities are often invisible. If you notice your partner taking on a majority of tasks in the home, start taking on small responsibilities that can be as simple as taking the trash out or packing the kids’ lunches for tomorrow. If you’re the one feeling overwhelmed, then it’s time to ask your partner for help. Just like when you’re running a business, it’s important to be upfront and honest about the division of roles and responsibilities for all parties.
Build Your Future
When you commit to a relationship, you’re committing to constantly evolve into a better partner and ultimately a better person. An authentic, genuine connection is built on a strong foundation and maintained with a malleable structure. To make sure you’re on the same page about values related to work, household responsibilities, family, and more, prioritize relationship planning. A study found that expected future satisfaction with a relationship predicts commitment and divorce more than current satisfaction does, meaning that if you expect to be happy in your relationship, you will be. Whether this is a new relationship or you’ve been together for decades, re-centering your expectations and goals can rejuvenate your partnership. It’s also important to unlearn some assumptions you have about how a relationship works — like that it’s always 50/50. Take the advice of researcher Brené Brown who recommends asking your partner to put an individual percentage number to their energy levels and capacity. When you and your partner’s combined capacity doesn’t add up to 100, it’s time to reset and outsource. Whether that means ordering takeout for dinner or having your kid choose 1 activity instead of 3, you may need to cut back in some areas to thrive in others. Though these strategies may sound new, relationships have always been about work. The phrase “a labor of love” is dedicated to acknowledging the effort that goes into producing or being a part of something special. Take time to talk about your future, and those once far-fetched aspirations of relationship satisfaction can soon become your reality.
Whether it’s the 1950s or the 2020s, the expectations and division of labor in partnerships are constantly evolving. Relationships were not pure bliss or a final destination at any point in history, but putting in the work will get you much closer.
