Friendships: How to Stay Close and When to Let Go
Friendships were once simple and easy to maintain. In kindergarten, you spent all day together. In college, you lived together. In early adulthood, you socialized with colleagues and saw friends on the weekends.
But now, you might feel far apart from those people — physically, intellectually, and psychologically. If you miss those early stages of your life, you’re not alone. New growth and priorities are bound to change your friendships, and it’s hard to know who fits into your life and when to throw in the towel.
The first step is acknowledging what kind of friend you are, and what types of friends you want to be surrounded by, and why.
Prioritize People
As a busy executive, it’s lonely at the top so it’s easy to put your social life on the back burner. Maybe you have a pattern of turning down those dinner invites from an old friend. Or you find months slipping by without calling your best friend from college. While work is important, building a community outside of the office is vital for your social and emotional well-being. A 2023 study found that the relationship between happiness and frequency of contact with one’s closest friend positively increased with age. Though harder to maintain, your friendships at this stage are an integral part of your holistic well-being. We often want to turn our brains off after long days, whether that’s by binging a show or sending funny memes over social media. At times it is helpful to decompress, but social isolation can be dangerous. A metaanalysis of 148 studies found that individuals with stronger social relationships have a 50% increased likelihood of living longer, consistent between the varying initial health status and cause of death of individuals. Challenge the “lone wolf” mentality, and you’ll be on track to finding more happiness and fulfillment.
Quality Over Quantity
You may be thinking, “I’m not isolated at all.” Do you spend plenty of time going out to dinner with a big group, talking to parents in the school pick-up line, or following childhood friends on social media? On paper, it looks like you’ve perfected the art of adult friendships. The caveat? Friendship is measured by more than just numbers. Research shows that developing a “good friendship” takes 140 hours and developing a “best friendship” takes 300 hours. These daunting numbers make it clear that building close relationships takes time. If you are constantly engaging in brief interactions with acquaintances, are you truly connecting with any of them? Developed by evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, Dunbar’s number says that individuals can only maintain 150 stable friendships and 5 close friendships at any given time. Aristotle placed these stable and close friendships into three common categories: transactional, hedonistic, and virtuous. Transactional relationships benefit you, hedonistic friendships please you, and virtuous friends make you a better friend and person. There isn’t a wrong kind of friendship, but having different perceived types of connection is when it can go sideways. Now is the time to reevaluate — are the friends in your life out of convenience, or are they present because you’ve intentionally invested in your relationship over time? Are you even on the same page about what kind of relationship you have? Start spending quality time with a few people you feel most connected with on a virtuous level, and look for increased presence and progress in your daily life.
Rupture and Repair
At its core, friendships come down to how you handle the challenging moments. It’s inevitable — feelings get hurt, disagreements fester, and time can create distance. When these instances occur, take note of how you and your friend respond. Are you quick to shift the blame? Does your friend get frustrated when a conflict impacts your time together? Anything from selfish qualities to romantic involvement can lead friendships to end. Be cognizant of how your personal attachment style and birth order can also impact your response in these situations. Tension is where growth happens, whether it brings you together or pushes you apart. When a rupture does happen, it’s your choice if you want to repair the relationship or cut ties. There is really only one question to ask yourself: Does a particular friendship only exist because of the effort you continue to put into it or is there a healthy reciprocity that ebbs and flows with it? Ultimately, some people are there for a chapter of your life, and others stay close to you for decades. How you navigate these relationships will help you grow as a leader and improve your self awareness and empathy.
Friendships are one of the most undervalued and highly important aspects of adults’ lives. As you navigate the obstacles that come with the many phases of friendships, look for those that fill your life with meaningful and mutual relationships. By making thoughtful and intentional decisions, you will ultimately cultivate a group of people who improve each others’ lives.
