Chemistry in the Workplace

Have you ever noticed that your close colleague reminds you of your best friend growing up or your boss reminds you of your dad? Whether it’s with friends, colleagues, or romantic relationships, understanding your past experiences can provide a blueprint for your patterns at work.

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According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, there’s never been more pressure on our interpersonal relationships and work lives. With the mindset shifting from “make a living” to “make meaning,” we want to be valued and feel seen not for our accomplishments alone but by the people who see us and our work.

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That’s where attachment styles come in. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, Attachment Theory refers to the idea that humans have a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver as babies that shape our relationships later in life. There are four types — secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment — which all signify different attachment traits a person has shaped by their upbringing.

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While attachment styles are typically triggered by romantic relationships, it can be the missing key in your workplace decisions and challenges. If you are constantly experiencing the same types of relationships in different sectors of your life, it may not be a coincidence. Here is how your attachment style shows up in the workplace:

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1. Hiring

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When hiring, your attachment style might be taking the helm more than you know. For example, maybe you felt that initial chemistry in the interview process, but during your onboarding, tensions arise as you actually begin working together. To address this attachment style-induced tension, try to really get to know the person beyond their professional experience throughout the interview process. Sometimes the most out-of-the-box questions can lead to rewarding and informative conversations about their personality and attachment styles. Remember that while people are able to increase their attachment security, you should be cognizant of how attachment styles affect relationships to mitigate potential bumps and offer the benefit of the doubt along the road ahead.

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2. Collaboration or Conflict

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If there’s someone on your team who you have always felt drawn to or are constantly butting heads with for no clear reason, your attachment styles may be the reason. Interpersonal conflicts are increasing in the workplace, which can harm health, job satisfaction, and performance. As a leader, it’s important that you set an example of what healthy communication and conflict look like. The first step is to know your own attachment style and acknowledge that you may be drawn to certain kinds of people. So the next time you’re joking with your business partner or having a difficult conversation with a colleague, remember that both of your attachment styles color your perspective of the world.

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3. Feedback

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How you evaluate yourself and others is impacted by your attachment style. A 2020 study found that those who have insecure attachment styles experience more negative emotion than those with secure attachment styles. When giving feedback, lean into a strengths-based approach in order to encourage positive emotions and reinforce productive behaviors. When receiving feedback, know that your perception may cause you to cling onto criticism rather than compliments. Awareness of this challenge can help you refocus the blame — your attachment style is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage how it impacts others.

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As an executive, you have the power to invest in relationships that will help your company and workplace environment grow. By building a strong foundation with your colleagues — including those who do not share the same attachment style — you are setting up everyone for success. Take this quiz to discover your attachment style.